Is sports betting really a red flag?
I went on a date and I thought it went great. After dinner, he did take out his phone to check on the score of the game and he made a joke about wishing he could change his bet. I told this to my friend and she says it's a huge red flag and that I shouldn't date someone who bets on sports. I assume a lot of people bet on sports and didn't see it as a problem. Maybe I'm just naive though. Is sports betting really a red flag?
What percentage of people are living a secret life?
I just learned that one of my closest friends was living a double life. She was married and pretended that everything was great even to her best friends when secretly she was having an affair with her neighbor for years. And the guy she was having an affair with is someone we all know. Apparently he secretly met up with her on business trips and they acted like a couple when they were out of town. Her husband just found out and her marriage imploded and she moved out and hasn't reached to any of us. We just heard about it from her soon to be ex husband. But now I'm second guessing everyone I know and wondering what secret lives they're living too. It has me really rattled. Seriously, as a therapist, tell us how common this is. Are a lot of people living double lives?
When is the best time to share unflattering information with a date?
I'm a 30 year old woman and have a few things about my past that don't exactly paint me in the most positive light. I've already been divorced twice which seems to scare men away. I want to tell people I'm dating right away because if it's a deal breaker, let's not waste any time. But I realize I might be an oversharer. When I start talking to someone on a dating app I usually tell them and they usually don't want to meet in person. But I feel like I'm hiding a secret. When do I come clean about my past so that's is fair to them without scaring them away?
How can I be less lonely when joining activities isn't an option?
Most of the advice I hear about how to not be lonely involves getting involved in social activities. But what if that's not an option? I'm a single mom. When I'm done work, I pick up my daughter from daycare and spend a little time with her before she goes to sleep. I spend weekends doing things with her. I feel like everyone else my age is out doing fun stuff and I'm home watching TV alone after my daughter goes to sleep. I don't date. My friends are at a different place in life. And while I sometimes see my parents, we aren't that close. How do I feel less lonely when being around people isn't an option?
Should I be mad at my sister or trust that she was doing what she thought was best?
A few weeks ago, I told my sister I'm drowning in debt. I had never admitted that to anyone before. I trusted her to keep it between us, but now I’ve found out she told our mom and one of our cousins. When I confronted her, she said she was just worried about me and thought they could help, but I feel betrayed. I wasn’t ready for anyone else to know. i'm ashamed and embarrassed. I don’t want this to ruin our relationship, but I no longer trust her. Am I being too sensitive? Should I just forgive her and move on or is this the betrayal that it feels like it is?
How do I stop overanalyzing my social interactions?
I like going to social events but when I do, I always judge myself after. Like I replay things I said and wish I said them differently or I worry that something I said may have been offensive. Or I worry that I was a boring host or a rude guest in some way. I always tell myself to do better next time but then I still find stuff to beat myself up about and it causes a lot of anxiety or even regret as I wish I hadn't made a joke or told a story. Does everyone experience this? What do I do about it?
How do I not let my mom's behavior affect my daughter?
My sister has mental health issues and substance abuse issues. For my entire life, my mom has catered to her. And I've gotten used to that. But I don't want it to affect my 12 year old daughter but it is. My mom makes promised and then doesn't keep them because my sister has a crisis. Or she leaves holidays early because she has to find my sister. Or she can't go away with us on vacation because my sister might need her. Lately, my daughter has been asking questions like, "Why did Nana leave our BBQ so early when she promised to stay?" She knows her aunt a little but doesn't know she has problems. And she is confused by Nana disappointing her. I don't want to make excuses for my mother and I don't want her to do my child what she always did to me. What do I do?
I don't want to argue with my husband anymore. He won't go therapy. What do I do?
I have been married to my husband for nearly 6 years. He is my best friend, and we have been through so much together. He has been at his current job for almost 2 years, and the stress of it all has trickled into our marriage, which has recently escalated into weekly arguements that start over the smallest of things. The fights leave me crying until my head hurts. When confronted with tearful pleas of couples counseling, he dismisses it, saying that he doesnt have time for that and that he doesnt think we need it. The day after the arguement, he acts like nothing is wrong while I am still emotionally healing from it all. We never talk about it afterwards, because he doesnt bring it up and I am scared bringing it up would start another fight. What do I do from here?
Did I replace one addiction for another?
I've heard you say people don't have addictive personalities. But I got sober 6 years ago and now I go to the gym for 3 hours a day. People always tell me I just replaced one addiction for another or that I have an addictive personality. Maybe I did. Is it possible to replace alcohol with the gym? and is an addiction to working out something I need to work on?
How do I stop feeling guilty all the time? I feel like I'm never doing enough for my parents or my kids.
My parents need some extra help these days as they get older. And I'm happy to do it. But when I'm helping my parents I feel like I'm neglecting my kids. But when I'm just running my kids around for their extra curricular events and fun stuff, I feel guilty that I'm not doing things for my parents who have health issues. I rarely do anything fun but when i do something for myself, i feel guilty again. How do I stop feeling guilty about not doing enough for everyone all the time?
I want to show off my happiness. Is that really revenge?
I listened to the episode on revenge. And I guess my situation is a bit different. I don't want to hurt people who have hurt me. I just want to prove to them that my life is better now that they're not in it. I'm thinking of people like my ex, his family, and friends who took his side. They still follow me on social media so I post things that make it look like my life has never been better. Convince me this is a bad idea to keep doing and help me stop because I'm sure this probably still counts as revenge that isn't helpful.
My siblings expect me to be the full-time caregiver and they don't help. Am I being selfish?
My elderly mom needs a fair amount of help with stuff around her house and taking her medications and managing her appointments. I'm the only one who lives close to her so it makes sense that my siblings expect me to do it. But I'm tired and sometimes, it's more than I can take on. But then I remember that my time with my mom is limited and it's an honor to do this. I also fear that one of my siblings will move her in with them if I complain and then I'll feel guilty that she is far away and I don't get to see her. This is harder than I expected and I don't know what to do.
How can I be less awkward at work social events?
There's a professional version of me and a personal version and I don't wish for the two to be mixed. That's why I hate workplace happy hours and other social gatherings that are professional yet laid back. I don't want to talk to my coworkers about anything other than work. I don't why I feel like this but I don't want to know if my colleague went through a divorce or has 3 kids with 3 different people or takes care of their aging parent. I don't want them to know anything about me either. It just seems weird and unnecessary and makes things awkward on Monday morning when you've heard all their personal problems on Friday night. But I feel like I need to attend this stuff because it's important to my career. Yet I'm the awkward person in the corner hoping no one talks to me so i stare at my phone. 😬 Is there a way to stop feeling so weird and actually enjoy these things?
Should I be strong enough to handle this?
I got divorced when my kids were 10 and 12. By the time I remarried they were teenagers. But my second husband has much younger children and they lived with us part-time. Now, all the kids are grown and I was looking forward to having some time to ourselves. But my husband's son wants to move in full-time. He's now 20 and is a bit lost when it comes to work and money. My husband is all for him moving in. I'm not. I think it will create stress because he's an adult so I don't feel comfortable telling him to pick up after himself or don't wake us up at 2AM coming home. But part of me thinks I should be mentally strong enough to deal with this. The other part of me says no I should be strong enough to speak up and say no. But I don't want to disappoint my husband or strain our relationship with his son. How do I make this decision?
My mother expects me to stop talking to family members she has a grudge against. How do I deal with being caught in the middle?
My sister has a drug problem. My mom spent years trying to help her but finally decided to give her some tough love which meant no more picking her up in the middle of the night, letting her stay at the house or giving her money. My sister often reaches out to extended family now when she needs help and my grandmother, aunts, or cousins will pick her up or loan her money (that she will never repay) or buy her things. My mom gets really mad at family who does this and she cuts them off. She then gets mad if I don't cut them off but I don't think I should have to but my mom gets mad at me saying if I talk to them I'm making them think enabling my sister is OK. My sister's addiction has already taken a lot from me. I don't want it to take my relationship with my family too. What do I do?
What do you do when no one ever validates you?
I listened to your episode on validation with Caroline Fleck and I liked it. But I realized I'm closed off to a lot of people because no one ever validates me. I told my friend about a fight between my mother and my sister and she said, "Well I'd stay out of that mess." I was hoping she'd understand why it was so stressful for me when they fight. But stuff like this happens a lot. And when I'm not validated, I get more closed off. I don't want to share if someone's going to brush off how it feels or jump to giving me advice. How do you deal with people who don't validate you?
How do I deal with my family's not-so-subtle jabs?
I don't talk about politics with my family but it's not a secret that we aren't aligned on a lot of topics. Lately it seems like my parents and my siblings love to get little jabs in all the time at me and they want to make everything political. I ignore them but it's getting old. I can see them smile at each other and I know they're just trying to provoke me on purpose. I kind of want to distance myself from them because it's annoying and kind of tense to be around them. But then it seems stupid to cut out family simply because you have different opinions on things we can't control. But I'm afraid speaking up will lead a blow up. How do you deal with a situation like this?
Can you ever go off depression medication?
I’ve been on antidepressants for two years. In the beginning they felt like a lifesaver. But now I just feel numb. Like I’m not sad or happy. Just existing. On one hand that's good because I'm not depressed but I don't want to miss out on life either. Part of me is tempted to stop taking them altogether. I miss feeling anything even if it’s not always good. Is there a time when you know you can handle life without your medicine? And is it bad to stop taking them?
I'm a loser compared to my friends
I’m 35, renting a tiny apartment and feel still stuck in a job I don’t even like. Meanwhile, my friends are buying houses, have great careers, and go on real vacations. I know life isn’t a race or whatever, and I know you say comparison is bad for mental strength. But my life isn't where I want it to be. I'm frustrated and embarrassed but I don't think I can break free. I mean I don't have the money to make big changes or even take risks. I kind of want to make friends who are doing worse than me so I don't feel bad and I'm only half joking. What do I do?
Can I move past my husband's affairs without all the details?
I discovered text messages on my husband's phone that made it clear he had an affair. I confronted him. He admitted it and he ended it. We're trying to move past it as I love him and I believe in second chances. But I can't stop obsessing over the details. I’ve asked a million questions about exactly what they did and where it all happened. But there are times when his answers are vague and my imagination runs wild. Part of me thinks if I knew everything, I could finally make peace with it. But another part of me wonders if asking for more will make it worse. Do I need to keep digging, or do I need to stop?
My phone addiction is serious
I just can't stop looking at my phone. No matter how much I resolve to not to touch it again, after a little time I, almost unwittingly, pick it up and start opening random apps or doing unnecessary stuff, I've deleted the apps that keep me addicted by lately I'm downloading these apps on the same day I downloaded them or sometimes even within an hour of deleting them. My phone has become so big of an impairment that I can't eat, take a shower, work out, or do anything without staring at it. I pick it up when I'm having conversations with real life people and I'll think this is bad but then I keep looking at it and ignore the people in front of me. I know it's impacting my mental health too. How do I deal with this? I need a phone but I need to stop using it 24/7.
How to deal with birthday depression?
My birthday is coming up in a few weeks and it's rough. I don't like that I'm old and clearly getting older. I also hate the day itself. Every birthday I'm reminded how few people in life care about me. I don't get many happy birthday wishes and I know I could throw myself a party but I'm afraid that'll make me feel even more like a loser if no one shows up. This sounds like something I should have dealt with in the third grade but here I am, still afraid no one will show up at my party and disliking that another year has gone by and I haven't done as much as I wanted. How do I deal with that?
Why can't people support my health changes?
I recently made some major diet changes and I'm losing weight and feeling much better. But it feels like no one else is on board. My friends and family actually seem to try and sabotage me at times by saying stuff like "Oh one cheat meal won't hurt." Some of them even make jokes about me having a disordered eating issue. I am disappointed my their responses to me and the changes I'm making. Why can't people support me?
How do you help someone else with anxiety?
I listened to your episode on tools for anxiety and I really liked it. But how do you help someone else with anxiety who needs these tools? My mother worries about everything. She's always been like that but it's exhausting to deal with at times. Like if I told her I was going hiking on Saturday, she might call me every day for the next five days to give me the update on the percent chance of rain. Or if I tell her I'm going to switch to new dentist, she'll Google the dentist's reviews and then call to read them to me. I don't worry about these things and the feedback she gives me isn't helpful. In fact, it makes me dread her calls. She needs the anxiety tools. How do I get her to use them?