Should I be strong enough to handle this?
I got divorced when my kids were 10 and 12. By the time I remarried they were teenagers. But my second husband has much younger children and they lived with us part-time. Now, all the kids are grown and I was looking forward to having some time to ourselves. But my husband's son wants to move in full-time. He's now 20 and is a bit lost when it comes to work and money. My husband is all for him moving in. I'm not. I think it will create stress because he's an adult so I don't feel comfortable telling him to pick up after himself or don't wake us up at 2AM coming home. But part of me thinks I should be mentally strong enough to deal with this. The other part of me says no I should be strong enough to speak up and say no. But I don't want to disappoint my husband or strain our relationship with his son. How do I make this decision?
My mother expects me to stop talking to family members she has a grudge against. How do I deal with being caught in the middle?
My sister has a drug problem. My mom spent years trying to help her but finally decided to give her some tough love which meant no more picking her up in the middle of the night, letting her stay at the house or giving her money. My sister often reaches out to extended family now when she needs help and my grandmother, aunts, or cousins will pick her up or loan her money (that she will never repay) or buy her things. My mom gets really mad at family who does this and she cuts them off. She then gets mad if I don't cut them off but I don't think I should have to but my mom gets mad at me saying if I talk to them I'm making them think enabling my sister is OK. My sister's addiction has already taken a lot from me. I don't want it to take my relationship with my family too. What do I do?
What do you do when no one ever validates you?
I listened to your episode on validation with Caroline Fleck and I liked it. But I realized I'm closed off to a lot of people because no one ever validates me. I told my friend about a fight between my mother and my sister and she said, "Well I'd stay out of that mess." I was hoping she'd understand why it was so stressful for me when they fight. But stuff like this happens a lot. And when I'm not validated, I get more closed off. I don't want to share if someone's going to brush off how it feels or jump to giving me advice. How do you deal with people who don't validate you?
How do I deal with my family's not-so-subtle jabs?
I don't talk about politics with my family but it's not a secret that we aren't aligned on a lot of topics. Lately it seems like my parents and my siblings love to get little jabs in all the time at me and they want to make everything political. I ignore them but it's getting old. I can see them smile at each other and I know they're just trying to provoke me on purpose. I kind of want to distance myself from them because it's annoying and kind of tense to be around them. But then it seems stupid to cut out family simply because you have different opinions on things we can't control. But I'm afraid speaking up will lead a blow up. How do you deal with a situation like this?
Can you ever go off depression medication?
I’ve been on antidepressants for two years. In the beginning they felt like a lifesaver. But now I just feel numb. Like I’m not sad or happy. Just existing. On one hand that's good because I'm not depressed but I don't want to miss out on life either. Part of me is tempted to stop taking them altogether. I miss feeling anything even if it’s not always good. Is there a time when you know you can handle life without your medicine? And is it bad to stop taking them?
I'm a loser compared to my friends
I’m 35, renting a tiny apartment and feel still stuck in a job I don’t even like. Meanwhile, my friends are buying houses, have great careers, and go on real vacations. I know life isn’t a race or whatever, and I know you say comparison is bad for mental strength. But my life isn't where I want it to be. I'm frustrated and embarrassed but I don't think I can break free. I mean I don't have the money to make big changes or even take risks. I kind of want to make friends who are doing worse than me so I don't feel bad and I'm only half joking. What do I do?
Can I move past my husband's affairs without all the details?
I discovered text messages on my husband's phone that made it clear he had an affair. I confronted him. He admitted it and he ended it. We're trying to move past it as I love him and I believe in second chances. But I can't stop obsessing over the details. I’ve asked a million questions about exactly what they did and where it all happened. But there are times when his answers are vague and my imagination runs wild. Part of me thinks if I knew everything, I could finally make peace with it. But another part of me wonders if asking for more will make it worse. Do I need to keep digging, or do I need to stop?
My phone addiction is serious
I just can't stop looking at my phone. No matter how much I resolve to not to touch it again, after a little time I, almost unwittingly, pick it up and start opening random apps or doing unnecessary stuff, I've deleted the apps that keep me addicted by lately I'm downloading these apps on the same day I downloaded them or sometimes even within an hour of deleting them. My phone has become so big of an impairment that I can't eat, take a shower, work out, or do anything without staring at it. I pick it up when I'm having conversations with real life people and I'll think this is bad but then I keep looking at it and ignore the people in front of me. I know it's impacting my mental health too. How do I deal with this? I need a phone but I need to stop using it 24/7.
How to deal with birthday depression?
My birthday is coming up in a few weeks and it's rough. I don't like that I'm old and clearly getting older. I also hate the day itself. Every birthday I'm reminded how few people in life care about me. I don't get many happy birthday wishes and I know I could throw myself a party but I'm afraid that'll make me feel even more like a loser if no one shows up. This sounds like something I should have dealt with in the third grade but here I am, still afraid no one will show up at my party and disliking that another year has gone by and I haven't done as much as I wanted. How do I deal with that?
Why can't people support my health changes?
I recently made some major diet changes and I'm losing weight and feeling much better. But it feels like no one else is on board. My friends and family actually seem to try and sabotage me at times by saying stuff like "Oh one cheat meal won't hurt." Some of them even make jokes about me having a disordered eating issue. I am disappointed my their responses to me and the changes I'm making. Why can't people support me?
How do you help someone else with anxiety?
I listened to your episode on tools for anxiety and I really liked it. But how do you help someone else with anxiety who needs these tools? My mother worries about everything. She's always been like that but it's exhausting to deal with at times. Like if I told her I was going hiking on Saturday, she might call me every day for the next five days to give me the update on the percent chance of rain. Or if I tell her I'm going to switch to new dentist, she'll Google the dentist's reviews and then call to read them to me. I don't worry about these things and the feedback she gives me isn't helpful. In fact, it makes me dread her calls. She needs the anxiety tools. How do I get her to use them?
I hate something my old therapist said to me. Why can't I let it go?
My old therapist said something to me that was extremely hurtful. I never went back to another appointment. At the time, my feelings were just hurt. Now that more time has passed I think I'm more angry than ever that she would give me such stupid feedback. I have moments where I want to leave her a bad review or call her to tell her that her advice was awful. I sort of fantasize about being able to say, "I'm doing well and it's no thanks to you." But then I think I'm being petty. But I hate that she is probably out there handing out awful advice to other people too so part of me thinks it's my responsibility to warn others. Help!
I feel a strange sense of peace after someone in my life passed away, but I feel guilty for not grieving like everyone else so I pretend to be sad. What do I do?
My step-mother passed away recently an everyone expects me to be devastated. But my feelings about her were complicated to say the least. I've always seen her as the reason my parents got divorced. I'm pretty sure she lured my dad away from my mom. So needless to say, I have a lot of bad memories tied up into our relationship. I was always polite to her as an adult so no one necessarily knew how I felt but honestly, now I feel freer that she is gone. But everyone keeps sending condolences and asking me how I'm doing so I sort of pretend like I'm bothered even though I'm not and now I'm not sure if I should feel bad for lying, feel bad she's gone, or feel bad that I don't feel bad. But what do I say to people?
What do I do when my child has constant meltdowns over small things?
My 8-year-old loses his temper all the time. He gets frustrated by everything, like homework and chores. He then gets angry and sometimes he throws something. At other times he just screams or melts into the floor and cries. I know he's way too old to be having temper tantrums but I'm not sure how to help or what to do. What do you suggest?
Why does it bother me that I’m not invited to things at work?
A bunch of my coworkers went out after work last Friday and I didn’t get invited. But I heard them all talking about it on Monday morning. They’re all nice to me at the office but I guess I’m not in their “friend group.” I feel like I'm in junior high or something. It seems stupid to be upset about this but it hurts my feelings and makes me wonder if I'm not really friends with them after all. How do you deal with feeling left out at work when you're 40 years old and confused by why you didn't get an invite?
I don't say no to work projects because I am hoping to get praise. Why do I keep doing that?
My boss sometimes assigns me last minute tasks and I agree because I want to get praise. Yet, my boss seems to have come to just expect me to jump when she tells me to do something that is ridiculous. But it's not just saying no that's the problem. Sometimes in meetings I'll volunteer to do something because I want to look like the hero. Like if someone says, "There's no way we could do this by Friday," I'll say, "Just let me handle that." And then I spend the rest of the week working nonstop to get it done. Literally no one is impressed and yet I do this over and over again becuase I think the next impossible task will show people I'm amazing and get me more credit. Why do I do this and how do I stop?
What am I supposed to do with feelings?
Sometimes I hear you should shove your feelings down. But sometimes people say feel your feelings or control your feelings or change them. All this is confusing to me. What actually are you supposed to do with your feelings? I know this is a stupid question but I hear so many conflicting things I don't know what the right answer is.
How do you deal with terminal news?
A week ago I found a loved one's cancer has returned and it's terminal. It has metastasized to several organs and will likely take her within a year. I have been struggling with it daily ever since, feeling as if it were an impending car accident that you just know is going to hurt. How do you deal with terminal news?
Why do I keep checking up on what my ex is doing?
I can’t stop stalking my ex on social media. It’s been over a year since we broke up, and I have no intention of reaching out to him, but I find myself checking his Instagram stories and even scrolling through the comments on his posts. I get this weird mix of relief and sadness every time I see what he's up to. Why do I keep doing this? I one hundred percent know we weren't meant to be together. Part of me says I want him to be happy but I'd be lying if I said there's part of me that is glad it doesn't look like he's dating anyone. What is wrong me?
Why do I replay a mean comment my dad made in my head over and over 20 years later?
I listened to your episode on forgiveness. I think I've forgiven my Dad for stupid comments he used to make. I assume he thought he was being helpful. But I can't forget what he used to say. When I was like 14 he would comment on my weight because I was a little overweight. Whenever I shop for clothes now even as an adult, when I look in the full length mirror I replay what he said in my head every single time. Why is it that a few comments he made decades ago still affect me so deeply? Do other people have stupid comments that stay with them too?
I hate my friend's boyfriend but I don't want to overstep my bounds. Do I say something or just stay quiet?
Honestly, I feel like I hate my best friend’s boyfriend. He’s super controlling and he makes little digs at her in public. It's awkward to sit there and here him say stupid stuff like, "Well, the reason I'm so trim is because her cooking is so bad that I eat less." She pretends to laugh when he says mean things - and a lot of what he says is way worse. I tried pointing it out gently but if I even hint at him being controlling or mean she gets defensive and tells me how amazing he is. Part of me says that as a loyal friend I should point out that she's stepping in front of a train but I don't think she is going to receive my input well. But I feel like keeping my opinions to myself isn't kind either. What do I do?
What do I do now that my friend told me she is cheating on her husband?
A close friend confided in me that she’s cheating on her husband. I didn’t say anything in the moment because I didn’t know what to say, but now I feel bad because I think I should have spoke up. But I don't even know what I'd say anyway. I feel stuck between wanting to stay supportive of her and also feeling really uncomfortable with what she’s doing. What do I do with this information?
What do you say when you want to take a mental health day?
Lately, I’ve been lying to my boss, saying I’m sick when really I just can’t face the day. It feels like the only way I can get a mental health break, but I hate that I have to lie about it. I’m scared if I tell the my boss - and my husband - I'm taking a mental health day, I’ll look weak or unprofessional. But I hate faking a headache or pretending I have a stomach bug. What's the best way to take mental health days?