Why can't people support my health changes?
I recently made some major diet changes and I'm losing weight and feeling much better. But it feels like no one else is on board. My friends and family actually seem to try and sabotage me at times by saying stuff like "Oh one cheat meal won't hurt." Some of them even make jokes about me having a disordered eating issue. I am disappointed my their responses to me and the changes I'm making. Why can't people support me?
I hate something my old therapist said to me. Why can't I let it go?
My old therapist said something to me that was extremely hurtful. I never went back to another appointment. At the time, my feelings were just hurt. Now that more time has passed I think I'm more angry than ever that she would give me such stupid feedback. I have moments where I want to leave her a bad review or call her to tell her that her advice was awful. I sort of fantasize about being able to say, "I'm doing well and it's no thanks to you." But then I think I'm being petty. But I hate that she is probably out there handing out awful advice to other people too so part of me thinks it's my responsibility to warn others. Help!
How do you help someone else with anxiety?
I listened to your episode on tools for anxiety and I really liked it. But how do you help someone else with anxiety who needs these tools? My mother worries about everything. She's always been like that but it's exhausting to deal with at times. Like if I told her I was going hiking on Saturday, she might call me every day for the next five days to give me the update on the percent chance of rain. Or if I tell her I'm going to switch to new dentist, she'll Google the dentist's reviews and then call to read them to me. I don't worry about these things and the feedback she gives me isn't helpful. In fact, it makes me dread her calls. She needs the anxiety tools. How do I get her to use them?
I feel a strange sense of peace after someone in my life passed away, but I feel guilty for not grieving like everyone else so I pretend to be sad. What do I do?
My step-mother passed away recently an everyone expects me to be devastated. But my feelings about her were complicated to say the least. I've always seen her as the reason my parents got divorced. I'm pretty sure she lured my dad away from my mom. So needless to say, I have a lot of bad memories tied up into our relationship. I was always polite to her as an adult so no one necessarily knew how I felt but honestly, now I feel freer that she is gone. But everyone keeps sending condolences and asking me how I'm doing so I sort of pretend like I'm bothered even though I'm not and now I'm not sure if I should feel bad for lying, feel bad she's gone, or feel bad that I don't feel bad. But what do I say to people?
What do I do when my child has constant meltdowns over small things?
My 8-year-old loses his temper all the time. He gets frustrated by everything, like homework and chores. He then gets angry and sometimes he throws something. At other times he just screams or melts into the floor and cries. I know he's way too old to be having temper tantrums but I'm not sure how to help or what to do. What do you suggest?
What do I do now that my friend told me she is cheating on her husband?
A close friend confided in me that she’s cheating on her husband. I didn’t say anything in the moment because I didn’t know what to say, but now I feel bad because I think I should have spoke up. But I don't even know what I'd say anyway. I feel stuck between wanting to stay supportive of her and also feeling really uncomfortable with what she’s doing. What do I do with this information?
I don't say no to work projects because I am hoping to get praise. Why do I keep doing that?
My boss sometimes assigns me last minute tasks and I agree because I want to get praise. Yet, my boss seems to have come to just expect me to jump when she tells me to do something that is ridiculous. But it's not just saying no that's the problem. Sometimes in meetings I'll volunteer to do something because I want to look like the hero. Like if someone says, "There's no way we could do this by Friday," I'll say, "Just let me handle that." And then I spend the rest of the week working nonstop to get it done. Literally no one is impressed and yet I do this over and over again becuase I think the next impossible task will show people I'm amazing and get me more credit. Why do I do this and how do I stop?
How do you deal with terminal news?
A week ago I found a loved one's cancer has returned and it's terminal. It has metastasized to several organs and will likely take her within a year. I have been struggling with it daily ever since, feeling as if it were an impending car accident that you just know is going to hurt. How do you deal with terminal news?
What am I supposed to do with feelings?
Sometimes I hear you should shove your feelings down. But sometimes people say feel your feelings or control your feelings or change them. All this is confusing to me. What actually are you supposed to do with your feelings? I know this is a stupid question but I hear so many conflicting things I don't know what the right answer is.
I think I might have ADHD but how do you get tested as an adult? And should I bother to get tested? Does medication help?
The more I hear about adult ADHD, the more I convinced I am I have it. My attention span sucks. I have a lot of half finished projects around the house. I start things and forget what I was doing. I mentioned it to my doctor at my last physical and he just sort of laughed and said we all have bad attention spans these days. I don't want to turn this into something bigger than it is but should i get tested and if so, does medication for adults help?
How do I tell people I have depression?
I've had depression for a long time but I hide it well. The problem is, I hide it so well that no one in my life really knows. I've seen a therapist and taken medication and I'm doing a bit better for sure. I feel like I'm hiding a big secret but I don't know how to bring it up. Like I don't want to announce it like it's a big deal to my family. But I don't want to just casually bring it up when we're having fun. I don't know how to tell my friends either and I don't want to overshare but I can't help but think it'd be nice to not feel like I have deep dark secret. Any advice?
Why do I keep thinking about embarrassing things I did forever ago? 🤦♀️
I literally can’t stop cringing about things I said in, like, middle school or even just last year. It’s dumb because I KNOW no one remembers this stuff but me. But every time it pops into my brain, I want to bury my head in a pillow and scream. Is there a way to stop obsessing over stuff that doesn't really matter?
As I grow stronger I have less patience for people who don't work on themselves. How do you deal with people who lack self-awareness?
I've been building mental strength for a few years since I read your book 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do. I consider myself a work in progress but I've come a long way. I have less patience for people who are still stuck in their patterns and who don't recognize their weaknesses. I think I've outgrown some of my friends as a result. Is that normal? How do I be more tolerant of people who lack patience?
How do I take my life back?
While listening to your podcast & a few others, I hear a recurring theme regarding struggles in adulthood stemming from challenges & trauma from childhood. I’m in a different boat. I had a wonderful childhood & tell anyone who will listen. I’m now 53 with 3 teens at home & an adult married son who’s about to make me a Gram!! But I’ve been going through my past to see “where it all went wrong”. I feel it started after my divorce when I was 28 & my oldest was 9mos old (1st marriage). Since then, I’ve seen a dramatic change in my confidence. 4 yrs later, I married my husband & we had 3 kids. From the start of our marriage, I was very overwhelmed with the strict & negative personality of my husband. Fast forward to now, 21 yrs later, our teens & I left our family home 5 mos ago to move down the street. My oldest will never speak with his step father again & our teens are not close with their dad either because of his undiagnosed bipolar & narcissistic personality. I have anxiety & depression which I’m on meds for, have no care to get my terrible health on track, stuck in a so-so job because I’m afraid to take a risk & I can’t focus on or stay consistent with anything in my life. I believe I have ADHD-Inattentive. Again, my confidence is shot & I struggle to find my way back. So long story short (too late 🤦♀️), at my age, how to do fix my shit & take my life back??
How do I talk to my therapist about something I don't want to talk about?
I've been seeing my therapist weekly for about two years, initially discussing a range of issues like anxiety, depression, family dynamics, and alcohol abuse. At first, I didn't think therapy would help me. I thought it was silly to pay for, in my own words, "an educated friend." Contrary to that belief, therapy did help. Maybe not to the extent I expected, whether that be a failure on my part or my therapist's, I don't know. I realize certain beliefs I hold or have held are false, but I still feel them. But lately, I've been feeling less and less of a desire to talk to my therapist, despite it being essentially "free" with my health insurance. I held a streak of 1.5 years free of alcohol. On the day I hit 1.5 years, I decided I was going to have a drink again, but on that day, an application for a new job was denied, and I was really disappointed by that. I thought if I drank that day, it was proof alcohol held a grip on me. So I didn't, but I did shortly afterward when I "reframed" my application's denial. Since then, almost six months ago, I've continued to drink alcohol. Once a week, twice a week, sometimes more. Throughout this, I haven't suffered any consequences in my work life. I've been promoted twice, in 6 months. After the period of 1.5 years without alcohol, I see the negative effects in high definition now. I realize chemically it is poison, and physically, mentally, and neurologically, the safest amount of alcohol to drink is none. So I've cut back significantly. A consequence of no alcohol is losing a social "lubricant," which holds weight for me, as I feel strong social anxiety and find it difficult to make real friends, despite knowing what I should do according to science and all I've been told. What's bothering me is, I haven't told my therapist I drank alcohol again. And since I did drink again, I haven't felt the desire to talk to her about anything, really. "What's on your mind?" she says, and I recount my workdays, small personal successes, my daily struggles, and the hour is over. I feel more relieved that 60 minutes have passed than I do after saying what I had said. Recently, I found myself in a negative mental state I hadn't been in for quite some time and reached out to my sister for support. She and I are close, but I'm still reluctant to speak as it is, likewise with my therapist. I've told her how I don't think therapy is helping me very much anymore, before she knew I had started drinking alcohol again. After I told her, the clear path in her mind was that I started drinking, and then therapy wasn't as effective; therefore, I lost the desire to continue seeing my therapist. Which makes sense to me from her perspective. But I don't want to tell my therapist. I've been thinking about canceling. Lately, my appointments have become inconsistent on my part, which makes me feel I should open up her schedule. I'm aware of the importance of mental health and have seen its benefits exponentially compared to where I started, but now I feel resistant. It's said the benefits outweigh the cost, so my question is: How do I talk to my therapist about something I don't want to talk about?
Why do people feel compelled to comment on the fact that I don't speak to my parents?
I cut my parents out of my life a few years ago. I am confident I made a good choice. Both of them were emotionally abusive my whole life. But whenever the subject comes up in conversation with friends or coworkers or anyone else, people always say things like, "You should never disown your own family," or "If you'd treat your relatives like that I can't imagine how you treat other people," or "Whatever you're angry about isn't worth destroying your relationship." I never know what to say to people who make these comments. It's not like we argued over something silly and I'm holding a grudge. I had to cut them out for my own mental health. I don't bring up the subject often but it came up recently again when people asked what I was doing for the holidays. How do I deal with people who make judgmental comments or assumptions about my lack of contact with my parents?
What do you do when your spouse won't go to therapy?
My marriage is in trouble and my wife and I have discussed divorce several times. I want to go to counseling to see if there's any hope for us to work through things. My wife doesn't believe in counseling though. She says talking to a stranger isn't going to help but I know it couldn't hurt. Do you have any advice for how I can convince her that we need help?
How do I get through another holiday season?
I have hated the holidays since I was a kid. We didn't have much money and it was the time of year when I felt left out because all the other kids loved Christmas and loved family gatherings. I was raised by a single mom and was lucky to get anything and I always felt lonely because my mom worked more than ever during this time of year. As an adult, I still hate the holidays. I'm married and we don't have kids but my inlaws love to make jokes about how much I dislike the holidays. Do you have any tips for getting through the holidays again this year?
How do I be a good caregiver without risking my mental health?
I’m the primary caregiver for my mother, who has Alzheimer’s. While I love her deeply, the stress is overwhelming, and I have no time for myself. I feel like I’m losing my own identity, but I also feel guilty for wanting space. I know she won't be around forever so it's important to me that I spend as much time with her as I can but at the same time, I get overwhelmed by how much care I give. What can I do to manage my mental health?
My sister-in-law gives me unwanted advice. What do I say?
My sister-in-law feels the need to tell me what to do all the time. She makes suggestions for what I should wear when I'm going to an event. She makes suggestions on where our family should go on vacation. She tells me what to do to build my business but she has literally never owned a business. I usually just say "Okay" and change the subject because I don't want to have conflict but it's annoying that she seems to know everything. What can I say or do to make it stop?
My girlfriend always asks me how I feel. But I don't know how to feel so what should I say?
My girlfriend is always asking me how I feel about stuff. I don't really have an answer. I'm not exactly experiencing deep emotions every second of the day. I'm not sad or happy. I'm just there. She doesn't seem to believe me though and she gets frustrated. Is it normal to just not know what I feel or to not feel anything? What am I supposed to say to her?
I dig myself into incredible messes. How do I stop doing this?
I get myself into ridiculous situations like I agree to something I don't want to do and end up on some volunteer committee from hell. I bring it on myself sometimes too. I volunteer to help with something because I think it's a two hour project and then learn it's a 3 week commitment. It's not just volunteer stuff though. I once dated someone for six months and I didn't tell him something huge about my past. It wouldn't have been a big deal if I had just told him up front. But I waited so long I couldn't find the courage to do it. And got myself in another mess. Why do I always seem to get myself into stupid messes for no real reason and how do I stop?