How to help a 16 year old perfectionist?
My 16 year old daughter puts a ton of pressure on herself with grades and sports. She gets so nervous before a track meet that she cries or she gets so nervous about a test that she almost can't function. She does well but is really hard on herself if she isn't perfect. How can I help her relax and be OK with herself?
Watching Porn
For a little over a year I received CBT from a skilled clinical social worker about my built up shame in my struggle with porn Interestingly the more detached I became with the struggle with porn, the less the urge has power over me. I still struggle with it but a whole lot less. I feel that I am on a journey of recovery. Is that a sign of mental strength!
An affair cured my depression. But no one knows the real reason why I got better.
I’ve been married for almost 20 years and my marriage has always been pretty good. But I struggled with depression for a long time. I never had any energy and I didn’t feel like doing anything. I never really stuck to taking antidepressants long enough to see if they could help. During the pandemic, I became close to a coworker because we had a lot of Zoom meetings–just the two of us and he got to see my house and I got to know about his private life too. And for the first time in a long time, I started to feel happier. When the lockdown restrictions ended, our relationship became physical–only a few times. He says he’s happily married as well and neither of us have any plans to leave our spouses. We occasionally find an excuse to set up online meetings with one another and we flirt a little. Once a month or so we end up in the office on the same day. I can’t guarantee we’ll never meet up again. But I’m confused about how this friendship turned affair seems to have cured my depression. My husband and my friends have all noticed how much better I’m doing. I have more energy, I take more pride in my appearance, and I feel like going out and doing fun things again. Of course, no one knows the reason why. I never thought I’d be someone who would cheat so it doesn’t make sense to me why I did it. And it doesn’t make sense why it made me feel better, instead of feeling guilty. Why do I feel better and what do I do now?
Married to a narcissist
I’ve been with my husband 21 yrs (almost 20 yrs married). I came into the marriage with my son (almost 4 yrs old at the time). Then my husband & I had 3 children. I never liked the way my husband patented- very negative & demanding. Years later (just recently) I realized he’s a narcissist!! I thought he was just OCD & maybe bipolar. My son has cut all ties to my husband because of the emotional & verbal abuse that he suffered while he was young & through his teen years. I have A LOT of “Jewish Mom guilt”. Now that my 3 kids are teens, they see it clearly too & have said (to me only) that they don’t like their dad & that he’s not supportive at all. This is all true but after I threatened to leave with the kids & dog 4 yrs ago, things got better for a bit. It’s emotionally draining on me to constantly be in the middle. My parents have nothing to do with my husband either due to his way of raising their grandkids. I’m also in the middle between my husband & his parents, who I’m extremely close with. I have been practicing more self care by meditating & learning about chakra healing, not only for me but for my kids. My husband has no friends & looks to me for his only companionship, but I enjoy going out to group meditation sessions & having coffee with my few close friends. Our relations as husband & wife is more like best friends with NO romance at all, which he’s fine with but I’m not!! Whew- & that’s the just tip of the ice berg!! The actual question is how to handle being married to a narcissist with teen age & adult children who are quickly pulling away from him? Thank you, Amy. Your podcast has been a great comfort to me for several years. I have all of your books too!! ❤️🙏😊
How do I not blow my progress in a moment of weakness?
I'm trying to get healthier. I am exercising and eating better most of the time. When I'm having a bad day though I grab fast food and indulge. When I'm upset I snack all afternoon. I think it only takes one day or a few hours to undo all the progress I make the rest of the week. How do I stop that?
Infertility
Hi Amy, how can we become mentally stronger when dealing with infertility and childlessness not by choice? My husband and I tried to conceive for 7 years but couldn’t due to health issues, we started classes on adopting years ago but quickly learned how incredibly stressful and unstable the process is and are not sure we could handle it (like if adoption failed after we bonded with the child). It has been almost ten years since my hysterectomy solidified our infertility and my heart still hurts every time a friend/coworker/family member gets pregnant, every time anyone asks if I have children, etc. It’s almost as painful now as it was years ago and I would love any tips you have to help.
When to stop
Hi Amy So I have a problem which has been there for God knows how many years but I have realised it just now . I work as an actor and writer and my work brings me a lot of joy . Having said that , this line of work has its own set of challenges and frustrations like any other job does . There are deadlines to be met and there is pressure to perform . But I am not complaining because these are all ‘good problems’ to have . Now my issue is, since I enjoy my work I don’t know where to draw a line and stop. I keep working and then get exhausted for the everything else . The result is edginess and irritability which bleeds into other areas of my day. I have recently realised that by brain gets all exhausted and demands a relief which leads to this restlessness . I don’t know when to call it a day when it comes to my work. ( especially writing ) In one of your episodes you spoke about 10 min rules to get the momentum . I have tried it and it works like magic for so many things . I wanted to know if there is a time limit for the other side also ?? Are there any strategies to know that you ought to stop and take a break now ? What are the red flags to look out for ? Plz help .
How do I talk to my therapist about something I don't want to talk about?
I've been seeing my therapist weekly for about two years, initially discussing a range of issues like anxiety, depression, family dynamics, and alcohol abuse. At first, I didn't think therapy would help me. I thought it was silly to pay for, in my own words, "an educated friend." Contrary to that belief, therapy did help. Maybe not to the extent I expected, whether that be a failure on my part or my therapist's, I don't know. I realize certain beliefs I hold or have held are false, but I still feel them. But lately, I've been feeling less and less of a desire to talk to my therapist, despite it being essentially "free" with my health insurance. I held a streak of 1.5 years free of alcohol. On the day I hit 1.5 years, I decided I was going to have a drink again, but on that day, an application for a new job was denied, and I was really disappointed by that. I thought if I drank that day, it was proof alcohol held a grip on me. So I didn't, but I did shortly afterward when I "reframed" my application's denial. Since then, almost six months ago, I've continued to drink alcohol. Once a week, twice a week, sometimes more. Throughout this, I haven't suffered any consequences in my work life. I've been promoted twice, in 6 months. After the period of 1.5 years without alcohol, I see the negative effects in high definition now. I realize chemically it is poison, and physically, mentally, and neurologically, the safest amount of alcohol to drink is none. So I've cut back significantly. A consequence of no alcohol is losing a social "lubricant," which holds weight for me, as I feel strong social anxiety and find it difficult to make real friends, despite knowing what I should do according to science and all I've been told. What's bothering me is, I haven't told my therapist I drank alcohol again. And since I did drink again, I haven't felt the desire to talk to her about anything, really. "What's on your mind?" she says, and I recount my workdays, small personal successes, my daily struggles, and the hour is over. I feel more relieved that 60 minutes have passed than I do after saying what I had said. Recently, I found myself in a negative mental state I hadn't been in for quite some time and reached out to my sister for support. She and I are close, but I'm still reluctant to speak as it is, likewise with my therapist. I've told her how I don't think therapy is helping me very much anymore, before she knew I had started drinking alcohol again. After I told her, the clear path in her mind was that I started drinking, and then therapy wasn't as effective; therefore, I lost the desire to continue seeing my therapist. Which makes sense to me from her perspective. But I don't want to tell my therapist. I've been thinking about canceling. Lately, my appointments have become inconsistent on my part, which makes me feel I should open up her schedule. I'm aware of the importance of mental health and have seen its benefits exponentially compared to where I started, but now I feel resistant. It's said the benefits outweigh the cost, so my question is: How do I talk to my therapist about something I don't want to talk about?
My wife wants to visit her family for Christmas but I don't want to leave my dad alone. What should I do?
I feel like I'm in an impossible situation. My wife says she feels like we need to take the kids to her parents house for Christmas and spend two nights there. It's about a 5 hour drive. Normally I'd be fine doing this but I'm concerned about leaving my dad home alone on Christmas. My sister is visiting her in-laws in another state so she won't be able to visit him and we don't really have any other family members he could spend the day with. He's 71 and it breaks my heart to imagine him sitting at home eating a TV dinner by himself on Christmas. Do I put my foot down and tell my wife we need to visit my Dad this year?
Giving up alcohol for 30 days
I have tried to give up alcohol for 30 days a few times. I don't think I have an alcohol problem but I can't go 30 days straight so does that mean I really do have a problem? I mostly drink socially but sometimes drink after a stressful day and I convince myself I deserve to drink. If I can't go 30 days is that a real problem? And what do I do about it?
How do you heal when you get ghosted?
I went on a few dates with someone and I thought things were going well. So I was surprised when he ghosted me. I have no idea if I did something that upset him or what but out of the blue he just stopped replying. I'm embarrassed and heartbroken and angry. At first I made excuses for him and when my friends asked how it was going I just said he was probably busy. I even worried about him for a while thinking he may have been in an accident or something but then I saw him posting on social media. Why do people ghost people and how do you heal when you don't have any kind of closure or don't know what you did wrong?
How to deal with family holidays when grandparents don't believe in ADHD?
My parents are coming for the holidays and they plan to stay for a week. We have two boys with ADHD and my parents don't believe ADHD is a real issue. They think we are bad parents and tell us we should control our kids better. Our boys (6 and 9) are active but they are not wild. They both take medication to manage their symptoms which upsets my parents who think they should be able to be calm without it. I am bracing myself because I know they will have lots of comments about our parenting while they are staying with us for a week. Any help you can offer is appreciated because I don't want their to be any big disagreements while they are here. What do I do if they criticize our parenting?
Why do I ignore obvious red flags in relationships?
There are always tons of red flags in my relationships. When I start dating someone, I see that something is a potential red flag but I brush it off and tell myself it's not a big deal. Then I end up in bad relationships. All my friends and family are always telling me to be on the lookout for red flags. They know me well. But like the last relationship I was in, the guy didn't want me to post any pictures of us together on social media. I knew that sounded suspicious but he kept telling me it was because he had a crazy ex and he didn't want her to know about me. It was really because he was still dating other people behind my back. How do I get better at taking action when I see those red flags?
Extoverted me makes plans. Introverted me regrets it later. Why do I do this?
I think I like the idea of going and being social so I schedule things to do. But when the time comes to do those things, I almost always regret it. I don't want to cancel at the last minute so I push myself out the door but every single time I say I'm not going to do that again. I keep doing it though. I usually have an ok time when I go out but it takes a lot of effort. It's like I want to be an extrovert and I can't accept that I'm an introvert. Why do I do this and how do I stop?
My sister always wants to rehash our childhood. She says it therapeutic. I think it's re-traumatizing. Who's right?
Our dad left when we were young and our single mom dated lots of horrible men over the years. Our childhood was rough and filled with people who sometimes abused our mom (or us) and had substance abuse issues. Lately, my sister wants to talk about what things were like growing up. I have no desire to talk about it. She says my refusal to talk about it means I'm not working through my pain. I am just avoiding it. But I don't see how listening to her tell me her version of our childhood events would help me. I try not to think about it. She thinks about it all the time. Which is a sign of a strength? And how do I know I'm growing stronger?
How do I break up with a friend?
I’ve been friends with a woman I’ll call Jen for a few years. She’s the type of friend who is always up for anything and we have fun together. But recently, I learned she posts really mean things to people online. We belong to the same local community group on Facebook and she’ll tell strangers they’re stupid for asking what time a restaurant closes in a group instead of just calling. Or on Instagram, she makes fun of celebrities or disses people with different political views. She’s not mean in person so I am shocked she’s like this online. But some of her comments were disturbing–like she made snarky comments to someone who just lost their spouse and seeing those things makes me not want to be friends with her anymore. I don’t want to just ghost her but on the other hand, it’s awkward to break up with a friend. Am I overreacting by not wanting to be friends? And how would I go about ending the friendship?
I lied to my therapist. What do I do now?
I was in an unhealthy relationship when I started therapy. When I found the courage to end the relationship, my therapist helped me set boundaries and work on myself. But, then I started letting my ex back into my life a little more–and now, she’s staying at my house all the time again. But I haven’t told my therapist because I’m afraid it’ll look like I’ve taken a huge backslide and I don’t want her to think I’m not trying. Now that I’ve lied for over a month, I’m not sure how to come clean. What do I do?
I can't drag myself out of bed in the morning. Any tips?
I hit the snooze button like 10 times every single morning. At the last possible second, I have to jump up and run out the door to work and I look awful and feel terrible. Sometimes I'm late. I feel like the bad start to they day ruins the whole day. I have self-discipline in other areas of my life but it's hard to feel like a strong person when I can't even drag myself out of bed on time. Do you have any tips for how I can get myself more motivated in the morning?
What rules can I set for my teenage daughter who is having sex?
My almost 17-year-old daughter is sexually active. I would prefer that she wasn't but I realize I can't prevent her from doing it. I would like to set some rules, like not allowing her to do it in our home. I'm from a generation where I was taught pre-marital sex was wasn't an option. I want to teach my daughter to be respectful of our rules and of her body but this seems tough. What are reasonable rules we can set?